God: Sure.

Me: Promise You won’t get mad?

God: I promise.

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late…

God: Yes…

Me: And my car took forever to start…

God: Okay…

Me: During lunch they got my sandwich wrong and I had to wait…

God: Mmhmm…

Me: On the way home, my phone battery went dead, just as I picked up a call….

God: All right…

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home, when all I just wanted to do was to soak my feet in my new foot massager to relax but it wouldn’t work! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.

Me (humbled): Oh…

GOD: I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I didn’t want you to catch what he had because I knew you couldn’t afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed): Okay

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call so I didn’t even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God.

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn’t think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I’m sorry, God…

God: Don’t be sorry, just learn to trust Me…in all things – both the good and the bad.

Me: I will learn trust You.

God: And don’t doubt My plan for your day because is always better than your plan.

Me: I won’t God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You’re welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children…

God has been preempting me. warning me of sorts of imminent tests of faith. i took the lesson, but never really learnt it. until today. then I realised, God has been providing all along. God does care after all. I have no right to be angry; it was I who missed the lesson. entirely.

i have learnt to let go and let God. the moment you let go, you do see things with much clearer vision. most people lose sight of God and his promises because they refuse to let go.

Remember Cherie, let go. And then move on.

I know that He allowed this to happen, but I don’t understand why. Times like these when you don’t know what to feel but you just won’t stop asking questions is the hardest time, I think. Because most of the time, the answers don’t come. Or not yet, at the very least.

But I’m very thankful because throughout this journey I found people who care, a lot. I’ve found pals who are more defensive of my and my plight than I am. I’ve found people who’re willing to fight for me, who are genuinely concerned and who love me – more than I ever know.

I was very sad a while back because I lost one sister (temporarily) I hope. Now I’ve found 2 more. God gave me two more. I can’t ask for me. And He gave me one more korkor who treats people to pizzas. How much more could I ask for.

It’s been nice. I used to doubt you. Still do, ashamedly. But after looking at your grace and your provision, I don’t anymore. I hope from now onward I will be able to believe without seeing.

I’m waiting for the rainbow. To know that I can get on without my past haunting me.

That moment when I turned around and see you walk out of the school gate didn’t bring me any relief. I’ve come to be numbed to these things, to always put on a pokerface or smile when these things happen to me.

Nothing pleasant. very unpleasant in fact. But you in that pink shirt and that pair of jeans with your Adidas shoulder bag slung only one side of you shoulder haunts me. Knowing that perhaps if I had done something different, you might have a second chance.

I’m just feeling really sad. Sad for you. I’ve come to pity you as a person.

I’d like to send you a text but where has my courage gone? I think my heart has grown cold.

Lord, help me believe even though I have not seen.

Come morning there’ll be new problems but I’ll let the next day worry for itself. This lesson which you taught me a few years ago, I don’t I’d ever forget.

Haven’t ran in almost 2 weeks. Maybe I should do it tomorrow :) After work and before family dinner :)

I’ve been feeling so swamped that I’ve barely got space to breathe. Even so, this week was amazing. I met new people, make friends with people I’ve never really been close to. Brought joy to the staffroom yesterday and didn’t give a thought to my upcoming A Level results. I mean, it’s already been decided – I should just focus on what I have to do now and do it well. Which I hope I will.

I suppose I do enjoy teaching more than going to school. I no longer have to drag myself up in the morning. But I’m pretty sure along the way, when I start to meet difficult kids or have more work piled on me, I might. But let me not forget the joy of teaching – something I’ve been doing for 6 years (and I hope, counting).

Teaching (or relief teaching) at NV was refreshing. I got to meet students that I’ve never thought I’d get to meet. Make friends with them, play scrabble with them. It was all good memories. Perhaps it also helped me break into the routine of teaching, or of being a teacher – which made my life in Innova (maybe once I start going to classes)  relatively easier.

I’m glad I have this opportunity. It’s times like these when I take a step back and tell God, You did know better. I did not.

If I had continued to pursue law, I’d probably be despondent. My grades simply don’t make the cut, and I’m not cut out for it, as a person. People may try to convince me but at the end of the day, I know that my God does know better. And I’m going to keep trusting Him, even if I’m walking through the valley of death.

I feel so weary all the time as though nothing deserves my full attention. I don’t believe that there’s no way out of this, neither do I believe that there’s a couple of ways out of this. I think there’s only one way out of this and I’ve been missing it this whole time.

I get frustrated easily and I guess I do need an outlet but writing, not all the time. I can’t even write a proper reflection on my stint at NV. It’s pretty pathetic in my humble opinion.

My days are getting busier and my nights are getting shorter. That doesn’t help when mindless strangers (to my life) make comments about how I should run and have been running my life. I guess I don’t really have a choice but to suck it up and move on. There’s no use staying put and trying to explain things to them when they’re apparently so preoccupied with magnifying their own.

But as the restless night continues, I hear you tell me, ‘How can you further My kingdom when you’re so caught up in yours?’

I’ll bear that in mind. Come morning, it’ll be a new day. And I will start afresh.

My day started off late, as I woke up late for my cell (okay, small group, but can I just call it cell) lunch date thing. In the end only 3 of us turned up, 2 excluding myself. I was feeling pretty despondent because I was the only girl and the other two who turned up weren’t particularly close to me.

As I was just grousing to God about why He made this happen, the Holy Spirit struck me that God (might) have wanted to provide me with an opportunity to hang out and bond with the sheep I’m not very comfortable with. And that happened. We had sharing that would have been awkward otherwise – if the lunch thing was engineered by myself. So yet again, God revealed His goodness to me, solving an issue which I probably would not have seen and thus sidelining certain members in my group.

Then it was Sunday School. (Maybe we should call it Saturday School.) The class was being so difficult. And it just frustrates the life out of me like what the hell do these kids want man.

I know I just posted a couple of days ago about my teaching philosophy, or whatever there is to it. I want to be that nice teacher that can coax my kids into behaving and by showing them that I love them. It does suck when you have good kids who decide to behave badly. I for one don’t believe that children are born terrible. It’s their upbringing and the kind of coaching they’ve been under that shapes their values and their view on life. So I definitely don’t want to be a teacher who beats the crap out of a kid’s psychological ability to handle situations properly. I want to show that I care for them. BUT I had to be their killjoy today. I had to scold the kids, and maybe even insulted their being. I called them monkeys. Which sucks.

It pains me to have to scold them like that. Like as I was scolding them I could hear my heart breaking. It’s just sheer disappointment because you know that they can do better. They know that they can do better as well. And week after week you have to pull one of them out and tell them that they are good kids EVEN THOUGH they just played hide and seek with you around the compound.

And at the end of the day I was just so drained that I was lamenting to E about how I’m totally questioning God’s calling. Like does He know what He’s doing? Was it right for me to scold them like that? Sure I meant well but maybe along the way I might have lost myself and all I did was to trample on their esteem instead.

But then E told me an amazing thing. It was like fresh wind into a dusty basement; a fresh spring in a desert. She told me that she felt that my classroom management was good, that I managed to keep them quiet. I was encouraged. But as a teacher I seriously wanted to achieve that without having to scold them and tell them that it’s pathetic and sad that they have to be threatened and insulted like that before they would behave.

I hate to have to single kids out in class to scold them. But I hope they know that I love them.

So I’ll continue to offer my guts for them to trample on. While knowing that as I cry out in anguish as they trample on me and all over me, my God is still good. He know what He’s doing. He doesn’t make mistakes like these. And I am indeed someone whom He has chosen and can use.

I’m heartened. I can’t ask for more.

I owe you this one.

A couple of days ago I was feeling pretty bummed by certain things and I wanted to private my blog. I felt pretty shitty (pardon me) and I thought that there was a need to close up my blog and try to as honest as possible in my writing. And I declared it to some people I believe, including my sister.

So I was serious. And I felt like I needed a break from being judged (or the fear of being judged), and I wanted to write for Him alone. But as I was making that decision, I remembered how God subtly but surely called me into writing for Him. While I knew what I had to do, I continued to grapple with the decision when the answer was also plain and clear.

So a few hours later, when I logged onto my wordpress account, I saw that I had 45 fresh visits to this blog (and wordpress tries not to cheat us from our readership so it has to be individual. i.e. if you refresh my blog 10 times on the same computer, it’ll still appear and be registered as one hit on my counter). I never, ever have 45 fresh visits on my blog. My busiest day was sometime in January 2010 when I got back my O level results – 30 hits. (I suppose there were a lot of kaypohs who didn’t have the guts to ask me how I did or didn’t know me well enough who’re trying to get a wind of my results.)

I was taken aback. Of course I was! But then it was like a thunderstorm from God, to warn me not to go down the path I chose to. Who else but God can compel 45 individuals to visit my blog in a short span of 2-3 hours? Not my writing, definitely – I make millionssssss of mistakes.

So yes God, I do owe you this one. In fact, I owe everything to you so let that be a constant fact that lives in my head; and my heart.